I would love to remind everyone that I am writing this blog purely to let you understand my endometriosis story. Today I will be speaking about my current mental state, so if you feel you may judge this at all, please don't bother continue reading!
Today's blog was basically inspired by a comment made towards myself today that would have been no more than a complete joke.. "Jeeez you are so lucky you get to have so much time off work"
This was the comment.. How did I take it? I laughed it off and agreed.. But in my head I could have quite easily ranted off..
This disease is currently having a huge effect on my mental status. I started to realize that over the past few weeks I have been coming off my "high" and have been spiraling back down into my deep place.. I'm going to put this down to.. Endometriosis.. Well that and probably other things.
It's the pure emotion of being over this illness everyday. I don't want to wake up because I have no idea what the severity of this pain is going to be. I don't want to go to work because the longer I stand, the more I feel I will pass out because of this pain. This makes me incredibly scared.. I'm not lucky I can call in sick.. I can in sick because at that point I know that I cannot stand, my body feels like the devil has take over and is squeezing everything as tightly as he can.. I am sacred of other people's opinions "gosh, she doesn't sound sick!" That's right, the only thing that probably gives away that I'm not well is the constant "washed out" look I seem to have..
It dawned on me this afternoon when mum reminded me of something that we both know I don't want to hear.. "If we don't find anything, it will be a case of pain management" those were the doctors words.. This then put me down because I don't want pain management. I want answers.. A cure? If they don't find anything, I can't look at my future. They would need to put me on hospital grade pain medication at this point and what kind of life is that? I feel like I'm running on a tread mill, but the end isn't there!?
I'm on 100mg of anti depressants, but they at this stage can't help.. This isn't just a disease that effects me physically.. But mentally..
So I'm signing off for the night, already dreading tomorrow.