Grief..

It's such a funny thing, isn't it? Grief.. Now I said that I was going to be 100% honest in this blog, and I feel like every person that is taking the time out of their day is getting to know me through these posts. Now know that I am a huge over thinker..
And I tend to do this at the most inconvient times.
Now please note that it is currently 12:11am and I am one of these moods.. I won't post this until the morning but I'm feeling compelled to let all my feelings out onto this blog at 12:12am.. Damn you over active brain!!

Now back to the subject, part of endometriosis is grief, we all experience it.
We experience it in different ways and for different things, but we have all experienced it..
I'm sitting here and I feel that I should speak about my Nana, I don't know why.it really has nothing to do with our endometriosis subject, but I feel she's telling me to tell my story of grief.. So here it goes..

Ps.. I'm sincerely hoping to go to sleep after this; I've been trying to and my brain keeps saying.. Write the damn blog and then we'll go to sleep!

okay; so basically.. This is going to be hard and emotional for me and any family reading. I was very close to my Nana; I can remember every smell of her house and he warm hugs and her calling me her "darling chicken" this was a bond between us.. I had such a special moment with her after Pa died.. We were in the lounge room looking through his pictures when "Wind benethe my wings came on" that was the first time I had ever seen my Nana cry; and as I hugged her and said everything was alright, i knew nothing would break this.

"Santa" gave us tickets to see Wicked on the 3rd of January 2010, we took Nana along as when she had tickets to see it with my Aunty, she broke her knee and couldn't go.. She sat next to me the whole time and held my hand.. She had a cough but was alright, she wanted to meet Bert Newton (we never did!) but we had a great time.. I was at a sleepover the Wednesday/Thursday and mum asked did I want to come take Nana to the doctors with her.. I said no because I was at the sleepover with friends..
in hein sight, I regret that so much now, that would've been one more chance to see her..
Everything was normal, she was fine..

Sunday the 10th January 2010, I was getting ready for work and dad was mowing the lawn.. Our house phone rang, (it rarely does) and Maddison answered and said that my Aunties husband needed to speak to Dad, I continued on getting ready trying to listen in.. I heard dad say to mum to sit down..
Maddison and I rushed outside and mum said to go away; I remember standing in the bathroom with maddison and hearing mum let out a almost huge wale.. Maddi and I went outside and she told us to sits down..

I remember Mum saying; Nana has had a heart attack.. At this point I was alright, everything was fine. We can fix this.. I then heard the words. "She didn't make it" I don't think I have screamed and cried so much at the same time.. We all sat there hugging and crying.. What could we do?
Mum told us to get ready to go to my aunties.. I can tell you the exact spot that I either fainted or collapsed in, because all I knew was I some how ended up on the floor.. I had never hyperventilated so much.. That moment I prayed. I wanted to wake up. But I didn't.

Now this is a day I can remember every single little detail about; if you have ever lost someone so suddenly you may feel the same. Now don't ask me what any other song has played on what day on the radio. But on our way over "Fireflies" played and I remember this because this one line in the song said I'm weird because I hate goodbyes
That line will always take me back to that day, that moment.
I don't know why I remember that so well.
But I do.

Now because this was so sudden we turned up and police cars were there, it was scary.. I walked past my Nana who hasn't moved from where she has passed, and she looked like she was sleeping..
After the police had left mum and I had some tender moments, we went in and sat on the floor next to Nana.
I don't know what I was thinking.. It was a hard moment, I was holding my dead grandmothers hand and I knew she wasn't coming back..
I prayed and told her I loved her and she was gone..

It has now been three years and I still can't come to terms with this.. I do believe that my Nana is my guardian angel and she sent my Eddy, my protector to look after me once she had left. He arrived 11 months almost to the day, she left.
It is hard to visit her grave, I finally took eddy with me, what do you do there? I always find it a strange sensation that they are under there.. Just not "under there"

I will have dreams with Nana in them, and again it's during times of high stress and I think she's telling me its alright. Like now, I think she's telling me its okay to open up.. I can talk about my grief, I need to be more open and work through it with people who love me. So Nana, if its okay with you.. It is now 12:35am and I would love to go to sleep!
I hope you have all enjoyed (I guess) reading this and you all find comfort..

I'll leave you with a song that eddy sent me the other night in text message (very relevant) and the last photo of Nana and I xx sweet dreams xx